Picking lovers wisely

As I said this is going to be my new new year's resolution. For me it seems to be a problem, I don't know how others manage. Ideally, you wouldn't have to have such a resolution as you'd already have one lover from the old year and that would be good enough for this new one, too.

Last year I don't think I picked them wisely. There was one picking from the previous year, and that was definitely not picked wisely. It is (was) a low-key romance with B, who seems to be a bit of a nutcase. I blogged about him already before somewhere else. In short, I made the mistake of walking with him to his apartment after one date in 2008 upon his invitation of smoking pot. I had no idea pot is so strong these days! (Same for the character played by Meryl Streep in the movie "It is complicated".) We smoked pot and then we were staring in each other's eyes for a few minutes. After telling each other personal stories. It is a recipe of how to fall in love with someone. I did fall in love with him on due course but B didn't.

Ever since when I see him we always smoke pot. And then kiss. And then his disclaimer that he doesn't think he can be faithful to me, even though he is not sure why. Even though he thinks I am very attractive. I think I have an inkling now: this guy behaves in Bp like a kid in a candyshop. At least that is my impression after I looked at the available women in the American state he is from. With all due respect, women are much prettier in this country than in his native KY. Probably more available, too. And more desperate? Certainly history never dealt us a decent fate in the last 4-500 years and that might show in women's attitude towards men of more fortunate countries. I know it is a bit of a radical thought but wouldn't exclude it as an explanation.

Anyway, I don't think I'd want to be faithful to B either. He told me last time that he had not lived with a woman for such a long time that he is not sure he could do that again. Living together was not on my agenda either and I told him. Nevertheless he sent me an email afterwards reasserting his standpoints. Why does he do that to me? "I don't want you to invest a lot of emotions in this relationship then get hurt." Perhaps by stating this he also reassures himself that it would be an option? For him. I am his security blanket. In a way. Because he is very insecure in himself. Although he doesn't want to give me anything, he still wants to pretend that *I* am ready to give that to him, if he so chooses.

No-no, not so fast!

New Year, new resolutions

My last year's resolution was to be less confrontational with people that are important to me (and also in general). I pretty much succeeded at it, whether by design or accident, I am not sure. This year's resolution is to pick my fights/confrontations wisely, with a goal in my mind. I am not even sure why I insist on my resolutions revolving around confrontation. Thanks God, this problem subsided altogether. I probably should add: to pick my lovers wisely, too.

Cold turkey

What do Americans call the aftermath of Turkey Day? Cold turkey? I bet not. It would be unjust of me, too, to call it that, or rather, it wouldn't do justice to the man and our relationship. J was here, we had fun, we had some disagreement that was resolved and he left yesterday. I was left with some emptiness in my heart. I am a bit melancholic, which is not an unusual feeling after he leaves but this time I feel also blue because I feel the loss of some feelings between the two of us. He was the love of my life.

Anyway, I have to quit musing, I have a young French suitor to write to. He thinks I might have gotten killed in the university shooting of Pecs. How global we turned, in more than one ways.

Thanksgiving

My old BF is coming over for a long weekend to visit. He picked of all the occasions Thanksgiving, this most sacred of American holidays. A lot of people asked me, upon telling them, "is his wife coming with him?". I had to laugh this question off, in all its naivety, but it still got to me. They must have very little common ground by now, that J chose to spend it with me. I was a bit shocked myself. I am looking forward to his visit, but not without some anxiety. I hope all is going to be well.

From the web: Diary of a Heretic: The Underground Nest

I have no idea how I accidentally pulled this from the net but I'll keep it here, now that I have already two comments. Anyway, as you might have guessed even without me saying so, it was not written by me. But I kind of liked it.

Diary of a Heretic: The Underground Nest

Shared via AddThis

Nicole Revisited Revisited

Dickie again doesn't let me comment on his post. So here we go again (doing it in my blog). (Scroll down for the prequel.)

Regarding Big Gulps, you just don’t bring them on dates. It looks tacky and cheap and I’m pretty sure it violates the international rules of dating and decorum as decreed by the UN Charter. You just don’t bring big gulps into Starbucks. It’s just totally weird. This was not however the showstopper. It just bothered me a little.

I offer Nicole and plenty of women like her reciprocity. I can give women like this love that they would never dream possible.

In theory, maybe. But you admit later on that she scares you. How could you give your love to someone who looks scary to you? Even in theory? Or are we talking about other girls who similarly rejected you because of monetary issues?

Entertainment. Stimulating conversation. Excitement. Adventure. I can show them what it truly means to be alive. I am fairly convinced that most of the Nicole’s of this world will never find a Dickie. Some, and I mean (some) will find second-rate men who happen to live well above the poverty line. Doesn’t make them better. In the grand scheme of the universe they’re really not. But most people don’t consider all the features of a potential mate. Paper wealth is treated sort like the way colleges treat SAT scores. It’s a method of easy screening. But it doesn’t give the complete picture. My loving capacity alone is worth a good $100,000 a year. I’m very low maintenance too. Having me around the house would cost little more than your average goldfish and yet I give so much back. I would even clean their houses and cook their meals. And I am a good cook. Do you have any idea how much maids cost these days? Do you think these women are going to find anyone sweeter than me? I can assure you that that’s not going to happen. Almost all the women I date live very comfortable lives. I date the cream of the crop. Why? Because only the most well-educated can begin to understand my genius and extraordinary modesty. I am a PhD magnet. These women can afford me.

Oh, but people also want security. They could have you as their toyboy but they want a provider too, as a worst-case scenario if their financial sources dry up or have a baby.

Moving on to breeder and looks issue. I think even good looking, fertile women should make me their man whore and be grateful because my real worth vastly exceeds my paper worth. I have Grade A DNA. My children would kick ass. I am convinced of this. Women should be grateful to get the good stuff. Would I have dated Nicole if I made money? No. I would be going for fertile women who wanted children, and I would certainly have a preference for good looking women. Does this make me evil to want children? If so, then you would have to say that the majority of the human race is evil. Does it make me evil to want beautiful women? No more evil than most other men as well as women. People like beautiful people. It’s not evil. It’s an evolutionary force. It’s the randomness of change and adaptation.

Maybe I’ve been too defensive with you, Kitty. Nicole scared the shit out of me. I ran away in terror. Her interrogation tactics wore me out. She seemed controlling and potentially manipulative. I felt like potential prey. I don’t want to be on guard all the time wondering if I am being manipulated. I don’t want to be controlled. She wanted to get to know me too quickly. She should have slowed it down. I cannot deal with all of that intensity when I first meet people. I really don’t think I made enough money for her anyways. She made it very clear to me that she was looking for someone who was economically independent. It would not have been wise for me to go for her, even if she didn’t scare the shit out of me. It would only be trouble because I would never be able to give her what she wanted.

Dickie, you are a hopeless narcissistic. Are you saying that aside from her scaring-the-shit-out-of-you personality you would have been a safe choice for her because you'd never be financially independent?

You are fucked up, I love you

You are fucked up and it might be final
Or might you have hope that I fix you?
Certainly not, I am not qualified,
not daring enough, neither courage, nor insight
Just the desire – there.

You cried while – or after? – randomly kissing
my body parts – or was it systematic?
Telling me what an awful thing happened to you
were dumped by a girl you never loved
as you told her in certain terms
a good many times.

And then you fell in love you thought
Hopelessly yearning for a bubble
You had burst before it was blown.
You cried and I smiled smugly when
you told me you could love me
when you'd put this behind you
plus my behind is nicer, too.

Or so you thought. True, the next day
you apologized I found cumbersome
but showed understanding
in case more is coming
my way.

You are fucked up and it's final
No hope, no way, no fixing
It's dawning on my understanding
while I bathe my face in the violet hue
I know you are fucked up
so I can love you.