It has been more than a month that I posted here. I feel I did a lot of progress. After much thinking and initial drafts I finally wrote a letter to B on Feb 21, saying that I feel I am losing my self-respect always being the one to call. I explained to him that I was obsessing about him ever since that initial encounter in his apartment in 2008 September even though his comments always sent after such encounters made it pretty clear that he had no romantic notions about me. But, after finally inviting him to my apartment with the explicit purpose of consuming the relationship I found that my obsession finally came to an end. Therefore I don't need him anymore. If he wants to get together he'll have to initiate it as I am not going to call him.
That was more or less metaphoric speech as he doesn't even have my phone number. That was one thing that upset me last time, when he told me that he wanted to call me on his way to me (telling me he would be late) and he realized that he didn't have my number. I have this new number since November and when I tried to call him for the first time he actually called me back BECAUSE he didn't know who it was. When he did find out it was 'only' me he lost the incentive even to record my number.
Anyway, he of course didn't call, nor did he respond to my email. Which is fine, as I don't expect him to call or write. What I did, I did for myself, to finally have a peace of my mind and regain my self-respect. I did both, and I really don't miss him.
I had similar men in my life in the past. One who stands out is P, whom I had just before J, my long-term lover. P was very similar in many ways to B. He was on the rebound, a term or state of mind I didn't know at the time, so I dived into that relationship full frontal, not knowing what to expect. P told me once that he 'doesn't want to fall in love and have babies and family'. Nor did he ever suggest otherwise. The only gentle gesture not related to sex I can ever remember of was him kissing my forehead once in front of a pub we went to with another friend/colleague/housemate of ours (we all lived our single lives in an apartment building provided by the institute - a hot-house of all sorts of permutations between boys and girls - but only hetero, as far as I know). Even now, reconnecting after many years both him and me spending several of those abroad, and socializing fairly frequently with him and his new wife and family, we never talk about the past.
Once I asked P if it ever bothers his wife that we had a relationship in the past. He said he didn't think so. But that was it, we didn't bring up the subject again. It was like never talking about it either then or now, it hardly existed at all. Only on a physical level and talking about it would bring it to a different level - which is taboo. It would be almost like cheating on his wife? I don't know but it is very strange. Either him or me is an emotional retard. Possibly both of us.
In addition I brought up the subject because I wanted to tell him about B. P wanted me to get pot from him. He challenged me at least twice to get it. So interesting, how one bad guy (bad for me, that is) connects me to another. Even stranger that P originally was brought to my attention by Z, with whom I had a brief romance during my university years. He recommended P as free man as he knew about P's impending divorce. The unifying theme of these three is that they all wanted me for a friend mostly. With benefits. Admittedly, they didn't love me. If only then I would have had the insight I have now...
My cool modded Vostok Amphbia
6 years ago
