Exposing yourself

It is a strange genre - to share the details of your intimate or inner life. I had a dream lately (since I wrote the latest blog entry) - a bad one - where someone abused my confidence (perhaps they sold my pictures? :-)) and I attacked the person - I think it was actually a woman.

But on a more general level I am just wondering how people who write a book about such intimate happenings and inner thoughts in their own lives survive the whole world finding out/learning about them? I guess nothing could make them happier at that point, for the obvious reason. Maybe only the first steps are hard to take?

B actually told me he had written a book. Did you? I asked him. Didn't I tell you? came the answer. He actually did but he still was writing it when he mentioned it for the first time - more than a year ago. Then I asked him what period of time it covered as I remembered he told me it was going to be a novel - autogbiographical. At that point he got strangely embarrassed "let's not talk about me" and asked me instead about my work. A very strange move, as he just loves to talk about himself endlessly. Am I in that book I started to wonder. I'll ask him if I can read the manuscript. Not that I am that controlling - but I'd be interested to see myself on the pages of a literary work. B actually has a very articulate voice when it comes to self-expression.

J just called me and we talked about Baby Doc and the pyramids he ended up seeing - while he was driving home from his college - about an hour's drive over which he usually talks to me on the phone. I started to appreciate him more since I ventured into this dalliance with B - when I get totally fed up with his scoundrelry ways (if it happens) I still will have J. It is a pleasant thought.

Kiss and tell

It feels kind of quiet here like no one is actually reading my blog. Just as well, then I'll spill the beans. Being the enfant terrible I am.

It is about one of new year's resolution. Picking lovers. Wisely. I am not sure about the wisdom thing but I got a lover. Emphatically not a boyfriend or a sweetie, more along the lines of a sexpartner. Not that we don't have anything in common in other areas of life so I might judge this thing a little too severely. But this is the guy who told me about 10 times already that he couldn't have a committed relationship with me as he couldn't be faithful to me. Last time he put this in writing I did not respond in kind. I obfuscated and thanked him for being honest. I just didn't feel the need to denigrate myself again by expressing either negative or positive feelings about this.

Nor did I explain on Thursday why I chose to become lovers with him. Even though he mentioned it briefly, giving voice to his surprise that I decided this way. It just felt the natural thing to do. I can't even explain it to myself - or not quite. But I remember the touching song he played me the last time I was at his place: "only those can hurt you, you love". Well, I guess, he can't hurt me anymore. Nor do I require him to be faithful to me - nor do I want to promise him the same thing. Is that promise-cuous? I hope not.

I feel good about what happened and good about myself too. And my body. He keeps taking pictures in intimate moments. At various stages of undress. I told him he could actually sell those pictures if he can and keep the money - I'll keep the fame. Who would not be happy about this happening at the age of 45? 20 - that is a different issue. I have only one picture from that age - my red blouse and jacket all unbuttoned (I didn't wear a bra in those years), me smiling innocently into the camera. My nipples just barely escape showing. It was taken by my long-term boyfriend at the time scanned over the years by a mutual friend. He showed it to me recently (the friend) and after my initial shock I asked him to email it to me. Later I sent it to my long-term lover - he thought it was hot. He still worships me after 16 years. He grounded me in many ways, you see.

Watching films with a poet

The other day I went to a poet's contest with my sister, who is a practicing poet and met C, a historian-scholar-poet whom we had been watching from time to time because of his curious appearance/looks. He always sneaks in places like he doesn't really belong there so he is often mistaken for a homeless guy.

So the other day he sneaked in to this contest, and as we were sitting close to the door and might have been smiling at him he chatted us up. What kind of fairies we are, he wanted to know and we told him we are mountain fairies. Which is pretty close to the truth, as our name means mountain.

Today I went to a movie theater with him where we watched documentaries about recent changes in Hungarian society. Sadly, the poet is fickle - he is a perpetuum mobile. At one point I touched his elbow accidentally with mine as I wanted to put it on the arm of the chair. From then on he turned into a fickle hunter, watching out for more signs, to see if I wanted some physical closeness. For chrissake, I did not! I finally put my bag on my lap, which settled the issue.

In the intermission he suggested we go to a nearby pub to have a drink. We went, and had two spritzers (200ml wine, 100ml soda water), for about 40 cents each. Wow, this guy has some invaluable knowledge of the terrain. I always wanted a friend like this. It turned out he is not homeless after all, even if he smells like one. He rents a room close to my workplace. Ouch. I hope he washes his clothes before he decides to pay a visit to my office...

Picking lovers wisely

As I said this is going to be my new new year's resolution. For me it seems to be a problem, I don't know how others manage. Ideally, you wouldn't have to have such a resolution as you'd already have one lover from the old year and that would be good enough for this new one, too.

Last year I don't think I picked them wisely. There was one picking from the previous year, and that was definitely not picked wisely. It is (was) a low-key romance with B, who seems to be a bit of a nutcase. I blogged about him already before somewhere else. In short, I made the mistake of walking with him to his apartment after one date in 2008 upon his invitation of smoking pot. I had no idea pot is so strong these days! (Same for the character played by Meryl Streep in the movie "It is complicated".) We smoked pot and then we were staring in each other's eyes for a few minutes. After telling each other personal stories. It is a recipe of how to fall in love with someone. I did fall in love with him on due course but B didn't.

Ever since when I see him we always smoke pot. And then kiss. And then his disclaimer that he doesn't think he can be faithful to me, even though he is not sure why. Even though he thinks I am very attractive. I think I have an inkling now: this guy behaves in Bp like a kid in a candyshop. At least that is my impression after I looked at the available women in the American state he is from. With all due respect, women are much prettier in this country than in his native KY. Probably more available, too. And more desperate? Certainly history never dealt us a decent fate in the last 4-500 years and that might show in women's attitude towards men of more fortunate countries. I know it is a bit of a radical thought but wouldn't exclude it as an explanation.

Anyway, I don't think I'd want to be faithful to B either. He told me last time that he had not lived with a woman for such a long time that he is not sure he could do that again. Living together was not on my agenda either and I told him. Nevertheless he sent me an email afterwards reasserting his standpoints. Why does he do that to me? "I don't want you to invest a lot of emotions in this relationship then get hurt." Perhaps by stating this he also reassures himself that it would be an option? For him. I am his security blanket. In a way. Because he is very insecure in himself. Although he doesn't want to give me anything, he still wants to pretend that *I* am ready to give that to him, if he so chooses.

No-no, not so fast!

New Year, new resolutions

My last year's resolution was to be less confrontational with people that are important to me (and also in general). I pretty much succeeded at it, whether by design or accident, I am not sure. This year's resolution is to pick my fights/confrontations wisely, with a goal in my mind. I am not even sure why I insist on my resolutions revolving around confrontation. Thanks God, this problem subsided altogether. I probably should add: to pick my lovers wisely, too.