Picking lovers wisely

As I said this is going to be my new new year's resolution. For me it seems to be a problem, I don't know how others manage. Ideally, you wouldn't have to have such a resolution as you'd already have one lover from the old year and that would be good enough for this new one, too.

Last year I don't think I picked them wisely. There was one picking from the previous year, and that was definitely not picked wisely. It is (was) a low-key romance with B, who seems to be a bit of a nutcase. I blogged about him already before somewhere else. In short, I made the mistake of walking with him to his apartment after one date in 2008 upon his invitation of smoking pot. I had no idea pot is so strong these days! (Same for the character played by Meryl Streep in the movie "It is complicated".) We smoked pot and then we were staring in each other's eyes for a few minutes. After telling each other personal stories. It is a recipe of how to fall in love with someone. I did fall in love with him on due course but B didn't.

Ever since when I see him we always smoke pot. And then kiss. And then his disclaimer that he doesn't think he can be faithful to me, even though he is not sure why. Even though he thinks I am very attractive. I think I have an inkling now: this guy behaves in Bp like a kid in a candyshop. At least that is my impression after I looked at the available women in the American state he is from. With all due respect, women are much prettier in this country than in his native KY. Probably more available, too. And more desperate? Certainly history never dealt us a decent fate in the last 4-500 years and that might show in women's attitude towards men of more fortunate countries. I know it is a bit of a radical thought but wouldn't exclude it as an explanation.

Anyway, I don't think I'd want to be faithful to B either. He told me last time that he had not lived with a woman for such a long time that he is not sure he could do that again. Living together was not on my agenda either and I told him. Nevertheless he sent me an email afterwards reasserting his standpoints. Why does he do that to me? "I don't want you to invest a lot of emotions in this relationship then get hurt." Perhaps by stating this he also reassures himself that it would be an option? For him. I am his security blanket. In a way. Because he is very insecure in himself. Although he doesn't want to give me anything, he still wants to pretend that *I* am ready to give that to him, if he so chooses.

No-no, not so fast!