Today I tried to record how many times I was thinking about this guy. Now that I decided I finally break all contact with him and give up on the idea of 'taming' him into boyfriend material. He is 'no boyfriend material' for me, anyway, as he once told me in no uncertain terms, by email.
Basically, I thought of him about every 3 minutes, or so. J called in the evening and he told me about his sister's marriage. I never knew the story. She was married to a guy for 16 years. They were real sweethearts together, an exemplary, happy couple, everyone's favorite role model. Then after 16 years of marriage J's sister decided that she had had it with the guy. He doesn't even fold the laundry properly as she realized (she was a high-school teacher, he was apparently an educated person, too), and she just wanted out of the marriage. So she divorced him. Later on she bitterly regretted her move. She never found another man as nice and sweet as him. And he remarried.
After we hung up, about 50 minutes later, I realized this was the longest time today that I didn't think about B. Why did I get so hooked on him, despite so little having happened between us and even less positive? I was thinking all day about that, too. It must be my masochistic tendencies that took over. My love addiction.
I have a love addiction. I haven't had an attack (or binge?) for at least 17 years so it was hard even to realize what I got myself into, it was such a long time ago that I suffered from this. And B is clearly a narcissist. According to some theory love addicts always get hooked on narcissists because it is such a strongly fitting bad pattern.
It is good to realize at least that one is not alone with this problem. I found this on the internet:
Obsessed Love Addicts: OLAs cannot let go of someone they love, even if their partner is:
Unavailable emotionally or sexually
Afraid to commit
Unable to communicate
Unloving
Distant
Abusive
Controlling and dictatorial
Ego-centric
Selfish
Addicted to something outside the relationship (hobbies, drugs, alcohol, sex, someone else, gambling, shopping etc)
Narcissistic Love Addicts: NLAs use dominance, seduction and withholding to control their partners. Unlike codependents, who accept a lot of discomfort, narcissists won’t put up with anything that interferes with their happiness. They are self-absorbed and their low self-esteem is masked by their grandiosity. Furthermore, rather than seeming to obsess about the relationship, NLAs appear aloof and unconcerned. They do not appear to be addicted at all. Rarely do you even know that NLAs are hooked until you try to leave them. Then they will no longer be aloof and uncaring. They will panic and use anything at their disposal to hold on to the relationship—including violence. Many professionals have rejected the idea that narcissists can be love addicts. This may be because they rarely come in for treatment. However, if you have ever seen how some narcissists react to perceived or real abandonment, you will see that they are indeed “hooked.”
B definitely has low self-esteem as he told me on that night when he cried out his eyes for the 20 years younger girl, who had abandoned him. But I doubt B will do anything to hold me back, which is just as well, as I finally want to put this idea of me and him being ever together behind me.
But today was definitely hard. And yesterday too. (I was nursing my hangover all day.)
My cool modded Vostok Amphbia
6 years ago
5 comments:
Kitty, there's nothing wrong with you. I think you've been reading too much Psychology. All classifications and labels they put on people are really quite arbitrary and really quite full of shit, or at a minimum, inaccurate. Again, there is nothing wrong with you.
Fuck all of these people who play with our emotions. Show us love and tenderness yet exploit us for our their own selfish needs. If you weren't already nursing a hangover I'd tell you to get drunk. Go to a movie. Get the hell out of the house. You'll be okay. You don't have to think about this guy. Let the thoughts of him come into your mind and then just think about something more pleasant.
Take care.
Dickie, you might be right about Psychology. I stopped wanting to read about OLA (Obsessed Love Addicts) and the like. I don't need that. I don't think I am that damaged. In addition, I have other things to do in life. Today I submitted our m/s to Nuc Acids Res, a scientific journal.
Good for you, Kitty! By refusing to accept these psychological labels you are refusing to think of yourself as a victim of some pathology or disorder. This will free you to make constructive progressive. Good luck on the manuscript. If you get a Nobel Prize, please not forget the little people, especially those named Dickie.
I know exactly how you feel.
Rob
Oh, welcome Rob! What a pity, you don't reveal your identity.
I stopped obsessing about B. Sometimes I think about him, wanting to contact him, to see how he is doing (especially when I am drunk or feel like drinking or smoking...kmh). He said last time I talked to him in December that he's seeing a 59 yo woman, 4 years his senior, a lawyer from his home state. He could not quite reveal what he fancied about her as he said he was not that attracted to her.
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