Yesterday B was here again. Last time before we parted he told me to call him some time if I want to get together with him again. So I called him up and we agreed on Tuesday.
The problem started with the joint. He had only this one left, so we smoked it, me more enthusiastically than I should have. Other times I got into a real good mood with B and then we usually fooled around. However, yesterday something strange happened. When he went to the bathroom (and left the door ajar) I heard a cellphone sound. So I suddenly thought - is he texting someone or checking someone's calls while with me? It was definitely a paranoid thought. I heard pot capable of inducing paranoia before but never experienced it. But I didn't say anything.
Instead, he asked me to dance for him, so I put on a sexy skirt and pulled up my shirt so my belly would show. Found appropriate music on youtube, too. I took a belly dance course while unemployed in New York, and I am naturally a good dancer anyway as my body is very flexible. He duly developed an erection (he was wearing soft material so I could see it). But instead of kissing me (I guess, I could have initiated it), he stroked my body in a nice way but then proceeded to place me on the couch in a doggie style position.
This and my suspicions about his phone calls suddenly obliterated my desire. I jumped up and sat close to him (he is rather deaf) and asked him point blank if he was checking on his phone while in the bathroom. He said, "no, did my phone ring?", checked his phone and told me it must have been mine. Then I started to ask him about his 'story' since his divorce about 7 years ago. He told me he had only 2 sexually intense relationships, with the 20 years younger girl and I guess, the other one was with his wife. And that he doesn't "have another girlfriend". Ah, how sweet.
But my paranoia didn't subside and the main reason was that recently I noticed he was emailing several hours a day. I actually made him invisible to me in one account, but then kept logging in to my other account, as I just had to see. I am very obsessive, you know. To the point that he realized I was "stalking" him. He actually mentioned yesterday that he corresponds with a lot of friends in the US, apparently to calm me down.
But this was not the only sign - around Xmas I called him to arrange for a get-together and he said let's not do it at his place as his neighbor is always listening in on him (hah, another stalker!). I said ok, then he sent me an email on the day, saying 'he has very high fever and can't do it'. Then, I, being the person I am (I actually was diagnosed with OCD while working at Yale) gave him a few phone calls in the following days. OK, it might not even be that strange of me to try to reach him, if we think about it. And his cell was turned off. Damn. I thought he is corresponding with a woman in the US and now she came over to visit him. How sweet.
After the strained discussion about his relationships (nonexistent) we started to chat about a lot of BS, like the traffic on my street and such crucial topics. I showed him my sketches of nude models and he said he would be quite happy if he could draw like me. Always the "Me". The me, the me, the me. Rarely 'you'. Why? Ah, ok, he is just another self-absorbed artist type.
What really strikes me is my own thinking and how much I can distort it or how differently unfold the conversations from what I had imagined before. I was hoping to talk honestly about his sexual relations, and also mine so we could eliminate the condoms, that he tried to use in vain last time ("three blanks", as he said). And that I also would tell him about my ongoing and I guess, never-ending love for J, who treats me to the best restaurants when he is here and just tries to please in as many ways as he can think of. And that I would suggest him (B) that we have a 'poly-amorous' relationship, in which both parties date other people. The main difference is, instead of cheating on your partner you are honest and upfront about your parallel relationship with them. This way you are supposed to be more grounded as you don't have to suffer the sudden loss of the only partner you have when you break up. I was actually thinking to speak about this to him before we smoke pot as I didn't want to feel stupid while having a serious discussion like this.
Well, I guess, I failed it. My own plans. I couldn't even get his opinion on this as I didn't get to the point when I could have explained this concept to him at all. Damn. Is it my fault? I guess, not completely. B looked just so bored last night when I tried to tell him about anything that that itself became an impediment.
Or, it is possible that I can't bear the thought of another woman? But that is not true, after all, J has had a parallel woman ever since I had him. True, it was very hard in the beginning but somehow I managed to accept this situation as the best we could ever have.
No, I don't even think B would be interested in such an arrangement. Anyway, why do I even wonder about this now?
As for the rest of the evening, here is the 'finale'. Around midnight B got up from his chair and said he should go. I got upset and tried to hug him and even set on his lap in a suggestive pose to make him change his mind. But he didn't. He didn't even want to smoke a cigarette with me. So I let him out, and a minute later he came back knocking on my door saying he can't get out. So told him about red button to push. Then I went to bathroom and he was back in another minute hitting my door real hard so I had to shout out to him saying I'd be there in a minute. It was a bit scary. So I put on a coat and let him out through the gate after pushing the red button for him. I thanked him rather sarcastically for "not breaking into my apartment".
After he left my first thought was a huge, huge relief. Why was I poisoning my life with this guy for 1.5 years? What a relief not having to think about such a narcissistic, self-absorbed artist type? Did he sweeten my life ever? Oh, ok, to be honest, he did, sometimes. He made me dress better. And he made me feel better about my body, as he always praised it. And took a lot of photos of it. Not that I am not aware I have a nice body, kind of, but nobody ever told me before my tits were so precious. At the age of 45! Thanks, B. Too bad, you will never be honest about your affairs. Just as my sister predicted. OK, I am done with you, it seems.
On to greener pasturs...
My cool modded Vostok Amphbia
6 years ago
10 comments:
This sounds like a good decision. And please don't get on the poly bandwagon. Poly's are just so, how can I say this -- icky. Let's face it, Kitty, you're just not poly material. Take this as a complement. And don't smoke. That stuff'll kill you.
Your Virtual Father
-Dickie
Thanks, Daddy Dickie :-) Are they icky? Why? Although you may be right about me, not being poly 'material'. But I was reading a lot of fascinating stories on the internet about such arrangements.
I think being poly has now become a fashion statement, but the Romans were doing poly long before us. It's nothing new. I don't like the idea of having sex with women who are having with other men. It simply makes me cringe. These polamours (or whatever the plural is) have ruined okaycupid. I trust that your breasts are nice, Kitty, but some of these middle-aged women are baring a very large proportion of their naked breasts, and I guess it's not so much the breasts that are so hard to look at but the fact that they're overweight and trying be sexy and coy, yet they can't because their simply out of shape and should act their age. Why must they make me suffer temporary blindness by making me look at their nakedness?
-Daddy Dickie
D. Dickie,
Which middle aged women are you talking about? Who bare their breasts? Where? On OkayCupid?
Polamours took over OKC? You mean it became that popular?
Kitty,
I am using a bit of hyperbole, I wouldn't exactly call it a "take over," but they have a lot of polomours on OKC now. They are often in their nightgowns or in skimpy bathing suits and they horrify me. If you would like, the next time I see one, I can send you the URL, but I am afraid I might blind you, and you need your eyesight in order to work.
You can always do a search. Search for women in Boston or NYC, aged say, 40-50 with the word "poly." You should get some results I imagine. I'm afraid to do it.
Actually I've written to a few polymours. One was 50. Fully clothed, completely normal profile other than the fact that she was looking to "add more love to her life," or something like that. She looked and sounded sweet. That's what attracted me to her. She never wrote back.
Hey, Dickie, so you don't like polys because they ignored you? Maybe that woman's dance card was already full... You see? And most 50 yo women would be pretty desperate to meet just any guy, let alone a good-looking younger one like you! But she had already love, maybe, and that attracted even more love into her life... I am not so sure you are right. What about another woman added then to your bandwagon?
You're right. At least part of my poly prejudice is personal. (But they really need to wear more clothing in their profiles.) Polys don't tend to like me. Only one ever wrote me back and I went out with her. She was interested in me but I opted not to pursue any type of relationship with her. It was just too weird for me. She didn't seem too into the poly thing, just stuck in a poly relationship with a man who felt that it was his right to screw whoever he pleased.
Another thing about the poly relationship that I worry about is contracting a horrible, or even not-to-so-horrible STD. I was once reading a poly personal and this woman just said matter-of-factly that she takes Herpes antiviral medication. It put the fear of God into me.
I don't know. If you're curious about poly relationships, maybe you should explore it. I think though that the poly dynamic probably tends to be different for women. Many more women I expect do poly not because they really want to, but because their male partners won't commit to them.
Hello Hedi,
Much could be said on the subject of poly-relationships. ... And, I'd beg to differ with Dickie on many a point, but, hey, we're all entitled to our views and living this short, sunny afternoon called life,as we see fit, particularly since circumstances can and are often quite different for each one of us.
Anyway, I've been in a number of poly relationships. It generally works out well as long a neither you nor one of the partners start falling head over heels--either you for one of them (there's J in your case) or vice versa, or outside of the poly relationship(s)--or are a crypto possessive (many of those, I'm afraid), or become possessive.
In many ways poly relationships can be and are just what we (or at least I, at one point in my life, and perhaps even today, depending on the, well, let me call it constellation[s]) need and look for in many ways, particularly since the social, the intellectual, the intimate are not always found in one and the same person. (And, lest we forget, it's kind of fun to get to know a person on a very intimate level, it's part of refined human sexuality. And it needn't always be a two way street either. But perhaps that's not everyone's p.o.v.)
One important item in any poly relationship is jealousy (some people claim not to be jealous when in fact they are the worst), and, therefore, the opposite of a need to know policy often ought to be a foundation or initial basic rule. Likewise, comparisons, whatever their nature, are a no-no; uh, and it might also be advisable to have a term of endearment to call your partners--some people aren't really amused being called a name other than theirs.
;)
Be well and only good things to you and those you love,
DH
Hi Dan,
Thanks for your comment, I found it only now. It is insightful and somewhat reassuring. You are the first person I respect the opinions of who has a positive take on polyamory. As for me, I'm way beyond jealousy with J. I was indeed in the past and we were both very possessive . Or, better to say we were head over heels in love with each other for many years. There were tears and high drama and withholding and withdrawal - everything you'd find in a soap opera and most everything in Romeo and Juliet. Now, that those days are gone, I am open to experimentation but would never want to lose J and I don't think I could even if I wanted to.
Why not to say for once: only good things to those that love you :-)
ps. I wanted to ask about this "the opposite of a need to know policy often ought to be a foundation or initial basic rule." I'm not sure I understand this: do you mean the other person should not be aware this is a polyamorous setting? You probably refer to the specifics: no need to know how often once meets with the others in one's life and how important those are to one. On the other hand, I am more in favor of a well-informed status for the parties involved. I found that it made me very insecure that B didn't share any of his 'other' relationships if he had any at all. I cannot be sure but suspected it. I just lost my trust in him, totally.
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